20 things couples Should discuss Before Marriage

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Marriage is one of the biggest commitments you’ll ever make, and technically, you’re only planning to do it once. That’s why it’s so important to know exactly what kind of “contract” you’re signing up for before you say “I do.” My husband and I both have a legal background—we studied contract laws and have seen firsthand how things can go wrong if people don’t fully understand what they’re agreeing to. Marriage isn’t just about love and companionship; it’s also a legal agreement with real-life consequences.

We’ve come to realize that, just like with any other contract, it’s crucial to discuss and understand all the important details before making it official. And maybe that doesn’t sound really romantic to most but actually, it creates a wonderful foundation for romance to settle. And that’s healthy romance!

From finances and future planning to personal values and boundaries, there’s a lot to consider. By having these conversations upfront, you can avoid misunderstandings and ensure that both partners are on the same page. It’s about being prepared, informed, and making sure that your marriage is built on a solid foundation. After all, you wouldn’t sign a contract without reading the fine print, so why would you treat marriage any differently?

As a side note, remember that marriage means having difficult conversations from time to time. So if you can’t have difficult conversations beforehand, are you (or your partner) really ready to get married? Food for thoughts…

1. Bank Account Management

Before tying the knot, it’s essential to discuss how you’ll handle your bank accounts. Will you combine all your finances into a joint account, keep separate accounts, or perhaps have both? Some couples prefer the transparency and simplicity of a joint account where all expenses are shared, making budgeting a joint effort.

Others find that keeping separate accounts helps maintain a sense of independence and reduces potential conflicts over spending. There’s also the option of having both; a joint account for shared expenses like rent and groceries, and individual accounts for personal spending. Talking this through will help you both feel comfortable and clear about your financial setup, ensuring there are no surprises later on.

In my personal experience, this is probably one of the most important thing to discuss before getting married, hence why it’s first. I once had a friend whose income would be directly transferred to the joint account she had with her (non-married) partner. After speaking with her, it came out of the conversation that she didn’t even have the login details (he did) and didn’t know what money was being spent. In short, she had no idea what was becoming of her hard-earned money. That changed quickly after our conversation but I beg you (and I don’t beg often) to make sure you understand the implications of your decision, whichever that may be.

2. Finances Management

Another crucial conversation is about how you’ll manage your finances as a couple. Will you sit down and review your finances monthly, quarterly, or just once a year? Regular check-ins are so important to make sure you are not living above your means and ensuring your future. It’s very difficult to talk about finances management with someone who has a lot of tabou, fears or insecurities around money.

It’s also important to discuss how you’ll contribute to household expenses;will you split everything 50/50, or will you contribute based on your income? Some couples find proportional contributions fairer, especially if there’s a significant difference in earnings. Deciding this together helps ensure that both partners feel respected and valued, and it can prevent money from becoming a source of tension in your relationship.

3. Future Planning

Future planning is all about setting yourself up for a financially stable life together. This includes discussions about savings accounts, emergency funds, and how much you both want to save each month. It’s also a good time to talk about your financial goals for the future;do you want to save for a house, retirement, or a big trip?

Agreeing on these goals will help you both work towards the same financial objectives, ensuring that you’re on the same page about what’s important. It’s a way to plan for your future together, making sure you’re both prepared for whatever life throws your way.

4. Financial Goals

Setting financial goals together is key to a successful partnership. Discuss what you both want to achieve financially;do you want to pay off debt, save for a down payment on a house, or build up your retirement fund? It’s also important to talk about how you’ll prioritize these goals.

Will you focus on short-term goals like paying off credit cards, or long-term goals like investing? Having this conversation helps you both understand each other’s financial priorities and work together towards achieving them. It’s about being aligned on what you want your financial future to look like, and how you’re going to get there together.

5. Boundaries Around Time Spent with Each Other’s Family

Setting boundaries around time spent with each other’s family is important to ensure that both partners feel comfortable and respected. Discuss how often you’ll visit or host family, and what the expectations are for holidays and special occasions.

Some people love spending lots of time with extended family, while others need more space and alone time. By talking about this openly, you can avoid misunderstandings and make sure that both of you are happy with the balance of family time. It’s all about finding a compromise that works for both of you, so you can enjoy time with family without it causing stress or tension in your relationship.

6. Values Around Taking Care of Your Home and Everyday Tasks

Another important topic is how you’ll handle everyday tasks and home care. Will you split chores equally, or will one of you take on more responsibilities in certain areas? It’s important to discuss your expectations and values around keeping your home clean and organized.

Some couples prefer a strict division of labor, while others take a more flexible approach, helping each other out as needed. Whatever your approach, it’s key to make sure that both partners feel the workload is fair and manageable. Talking about this upfront can prevent resentment from building up and ensure that your home runs smoothly.

7. Whether You Want Kids

Deciding whether or not you want kids is a big conversation that every couple should have before marriage. It’s crucial to be on the same page about this, as it’s one of the biggest decisions you’ll make together.

Talk openly about your feelings; do you want children, and if so, how many? When do you see yourselves starting a family? If one of you isn’t sure or doesn’t want kids, it’s important to discuss how that might affect your relationship. This is a conversation that requires honesty and understanding, and it’s essential to reach a mutual agreement that works for both of you.

8. Politics

Politics can be a sensitive topic, but it’s important to discuss before marriage. Can you marry someone who has completely different political views from yours? By talking about your political beliefs, you’ll quickly find out where you stand on important issues.

It’s not just about agreeing on everything, but understanding how your differences might impact your relationship. Will political discussions lead to heated arguments, or can you both respect each other’s opinions? Knowing this beforehand can help you navigate potential conflicts and ensure that you’re both comfortable with where you stand politically as a couple.

9. Going on Vacation

Discussing your expectations around vacations is another important topic. How often do you want to go on vacation; every year, or just occasionally? Is taking a vacation something you require for your well-being, or are you more of a homebody?

It’s also worth discussing what kind of vacations you both enjoy; do you prefer relaxing beach getaways, adventurous trips, or cultural city breaks? By talking about this, you can plan your vacations in a way that meets both of your needs and ensures that you’re both happy with how you spend your time off together.

10. Time Spent Apart

Talking about time spent apart is crucial to understanding each other’s needs for personal space and independence. Are you comfortable with the idea of taking separate vacations with friends, or do you prefer spending all your time off together?

How much time do you need alone, and how do you feel about your partner having their own hobbies and social life? Discussing this can help you both set healthy boundaries and ensure that neither of you feels smothered or neglected. It’s all about finding a balance that allows you both to maintain your individuality while still enjoying your time together as a couple.

11. Rules Around Your Marriage

Setting rules around your marriage can help establish clear boundaries and expectations for both partners. Discuss what you both consider to be non-negotiable points in your relationship, such as fidelity, honesty, or how you handle conflicts.

It’s also important to talk about what the consequences might be if these boundaries are crossed; do you have certain deal-breakers, or are there areas where you’re willing to be more flexible? By having this conversation, you’re creating a mutual understanding of what’s important to each of you, which can help prevent misunderstandings and ensure that your relationship remains strong and healthy.

12. Matrimonial Regime

In some countries, couples can choose different matrimonial regimes, which determine how their assets and debts are handled during and after the marriage. It’s essential to discuss whether you prefer to keep your finances entirely separate, share everything, or have a mix of both.

For example, in a separate regime, each partner retains ownership of what they brought into the marriage and any future earnings or purchases. In a common regime, you share ownership of all assets and debts acquired before and after marriage. Understanding and agreeing on this before getting married can prevent legal and financial complications later on.

13. Religion and All It Involves

Religion can play a significant role in marriage, so it’s important to discuss your beliefs and how they will impact your relationship. Are you both of the same faith, or do you have different religious beliefs? If you plan to have children, how will you raise them; will they follow one faith, both, or neither?

It’s also essential to discuss how religion will influence your daily life, from holiday celebrations to dietary restrictions and more. Having an open conversation about religion can help ensure that you’re both comfortable and supportive of each other’s beliefs, creating a harmonious environment in your marriage.

14. Career Goals

Talking about your career goals is crucial for understanding how your professional aspirations will fit into your married life. Discuss where you see yourselves in the future; are you both focused on climbing the career ladder, or does one of you plan to take a step back to focus on family or other pursuits?

It’s also important to consider how your careers might impact your relationship, such as if one of you needs to relocate for work or travel frequently. By sharing your career goals, you can support each other’s ambitions while ensuring that your marriage remains a priority.

15. Expectations Around Intimacy

Discussing expectations around intimacy is vital for maintaining a healthy and fulfilling relationship. This includes not only sexual intimacy but also emotional and physical closeness. Talk about what makes you both feel loved and connected, and how you can meet each other’s needs.

If either of you has specific preferences, boundaries, or concerns, it’s important to share them openly and honestly. This conversation is also closely linked to any religious beliefs or cultural values you may hold, so it’s crucial to understand how these factors influence your views on intimacy. By communicating openly, you can build a strong foundation of trust and understanding in your marriage.

16. Responsibilities Around Step-Kids

If one or both of you have children from a previous marriage, it’s essential to discuss your expectations and responsibilities around step-parenting. Talk about how you will integrate your families and what role each of you will play in raising the children. It’s important to consider how you’ll handle discipline, education, and other parenting decisions.

This conversation also involves understanding the relationship dynamics with the children’s other parent and how you’ll navigate co-parenting. By discussing these issues beforehand, you can create a supportive and harmonious environment for everyone involved, ensuring that your blended family thrives.

17. Work-Life Balance Expectations

Maintaining a healthy work-life balance is important for any marriage, so it’s crucial to discuss your expectations around this. Talk about how much time you want to dedicate to work versus your personal life and relationship. If one of you has a demanding job, discuss how you’ll manage time together and support each other.

It’s also important to consider how you’ll handle work stress and ensure that it doesn’t negatively impact your relationship. By setting clear expectations and boundaries around work and personal time, you can create a balanced life that prioritizes both your careers and your marriage.

18. Cultural Differences and What It Means in Your Day-to-Day

If you and your partner come from different cultural backgrounds, it’s important to discuss how these differences will play out in your day-to-day life. Talk about how you’ll celebrate holidays, what traditions you’ll incorporate, and how you’ll navigate any differences in values or customs.

It’s also important to discuss how these cultural differences might affect your relationship with each other’s families and how you’ll handle any challenges that arise. By embracing and respecting each other’s cultures, you can create a rich and diverse married life that honors both of your backgrounds.

19. Health and Lifestyle Choices

Discussing health and lifestyle choices is important for understanding how you’ll support each other in maintaining a healthy and fulfilling life. Talk about your diet, exercise routines, and any health concerns you have. It’s also important to discuss how you’ll handle any major health issues that may arise and how you’ll support each other through them.

If you have different lifestyle choices, such as one of you being a vegetarian or a non-smoker, it’s important to discuss how you’ll navigate these differences in your daily life. By being open about your health and lifestyle choices, you can ensure that you’re both on the same page and supporting each other in living your best lives.

20. Expectations Around Changes in Behavior, Stress, and How You’d Like It Handled

Finally, it’s important to discuss how you’ll handle changes in behavior, stress, and other challenges that may arise in your marriage. Talk about how you both respond to stress and what support you need from each other during difficult times.

It’s also important to discuss how you’ll handle any changes in behavior that may arise due to life circumstances, such as a job loss or a family crisis. By being open about your expectations and needs, you can ensure that you’re both prepared to handle whatever life throws your way, and that you’ll be there for each other through the ups and downs.